Diary of a Fat White Woman

I’m starting to sound like a broken record. And really part of me says why do I bother. My period is over and I am currently at 427.5. How/why do I gain weight when I am eating 1500 calories a day?

Ok so yesterday I went out for lunch with a friend but I didn’t eat much. The worst would again be the sodium.

I try so hard and for what? Weight gain? And now we are in the Christmas season and there will be all kinds of temptations. Jan 4 I go back to the doctor and will tell him my decision to have the surgery. Then hopefully the ball will get rolling. I’m still scared about it and I hope it is the right decision.

I know it is. Obviously trying this on my own is not working. And I want to get out and live my life. To travel and visit new places and sightsee and go to museums. I can’t do that stuff now and sitting at home complaining about another weight gain and watching tv just isn’t my idea of living.

I know, I haven’t written for a while. No worries, I’ve not given up or anything. I’m still here. It was just one of those weeks.

I am still feeling good about my decision to have the surgery. And this week I started with my EFT exercises but got stuck when trying to figure out what I was feeling. I think I’ve said this before, I don’t really know how I am feeling. My EFT counsellor(?), Hazel, was helpful and said that was because I have been hiding my emotions and feelings for so long with food that it will take a while. I’ve been thinking about it all week and had a good discussion with my mum and sister today.

We got to talking about what being happy actually meant. My sister said she thinks it means that you are comfortable with who you are and can accept yourself.

I’ve not given much thought to food this week either. I stopped eating breakfast just because I wasn’t hungry and had cereal for lunch with some cold roast pork (for protein) and then a normal dinner. And I didn’t feel like snacking much in the evening. So I lost 3 lbs this week.

Then of course, coming back from my parents we were later than usual and before I left I was getting the shakes (it was 5pm and all I’d had all day was a bowl of cereal) so I had 2 cookies and took my sister downtown. I started getting the shakes again and even though I had taken out some spaghetti sauce I didn’t feel like cooking the pasta so I stopped at McDonalds. I bought a Big Mac, 6 piece of mcnuggets and an apple pie. Why do I do this?

Anyway, tomorrow is Monday, beginning of new week and we’ll see how things go.

It’s been one of those weeks and I finally broke down and went off my diet big time.

Tonight I ordered a hamburger steak with french fries and gravy. It was good. And right now I am sitting here eating a white chocolate chip macadamia nut cookie and it is delicious and right now I don’t care that it’s wrong. Really, I don’t care. The hell with it all.

I also know that in a few hours I’ll be feeling the opposite and feeling like a failure and feeling like shit. And even knowing that, right now, I don’t care.

Just wanted to tell you that I drove home without stopping. I passed 2 McDonalds, 1 Wendy’s, 1 Harvey’s, 2 Tim Horton’s and a store that sells Nanaimo bars and pringles and didn’t stop and came straight home.

It was hard and those pringles were calling to me like crazy. But I kept thinking that if I stop and give in I will have to come home and write in here for everyone to read that I failed. So instead here I am saying I won this battle.

Yay for me!

Sometimes I think my life is a big cosmic joke. Today when I weighed myself I was back down to 425.5 lbs. I know I shouldn’t weigh myself everyday but I am obsessed. Sometimes I have to stop myself from getting on the scales before bed, especially if I’ve had a good day.

I wanted to talk about food cravings though. I get cravings and they drive me crazy at times. The past 2 weeks it’s been nachos. I can’t stop thinking about them. Now logically, I know they are bad for me. Tons of fat and cholesterol and sodium. And I know I wouldn’t stop at one plate. But unfortunately, my problem has nothing to do with logic. It’s like a become a zombie. All rational thought and emotion leaves my mind. All I can think about is that I must have it (whatever the “it” is at that moment).

There is a small part of my brain that still functions and says you shouldn’t do this. When trying to explain this to people I use the analogy of the devil and angel. Do you remember those old tv cartoons where a guy would have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other? That’s how it is with me. Even as I am putting something into my mouth part of me is saying “you shouldn’t be doing this” but my hand continues towards my mouth. All my body is thinking is that it must have it’s “fix”. After though, I feel so bad about myself for giving in to temptation.

This is something all the weight loss programs I’ve tried so far don’t address. They are all made for those people who just overeat or don’t know what they should be eating. I spent a year with LA Weight Loss (and spent thousands of dollars) and yet in the long run their “counsellors” couldn’t help me. They just didn’t understand and would say “just don’t eat it” and then get upset with me when I told them it wasn’t that easy. I think they thought it was just a cop-out or something.

That is why I am trying this route. On my own with this blog. I am hoping it will be some kind of therapy and let me get to the root of the problem. I could go see someone but they cost alot of money (which I don’t have). I saw one a few years ago (the one that is covered by provincial health plan - can’t remember which type of doctor it was) and after talking for an hour about my problem and what I needed from him he said “sorry I can’t help you”. That hasn’t given me much faith in the health care system.

I welcome your comments about this and if you’ve gone through something similar your advice would be tremendous.