Diary of a Fat White Woman

Ok so it’s December 27th. Christmas is over. I am afraid to get on the scales though. I am going to wait until Friday the 29th. Yesterday I drank so much water to try to flush things out I think I was sloshing when I walked.

I ate way too much candy and cookies and eggnog and such. I have no energy now. I had some protein for breakfast today though so hopefully that will help and I’ll keep up with the water.

I am trying to psyche myself for getting on the scales. I know I will have gained. But I don’t want to feel bad about it. It was Christmas and if/when I go for the surgery who knows what I will be able to eat next year. So I got in some of my favorites this year. *grin* Ok so I know it was a bad excuse for eating but as my sister says “we can justify anything”.

I’m starting to sound like a broken record. And really part of me says why do I bother. My period is over and I am currently at 427.5. How/why do I gain weight when I am eating 1500 calories a day?

Ok so yesterday I went out for lunch with a friend but I didn’t eat much. The worst would again be the sodium.

I try so hard and for what? Weight gain? And now we are in the Christmas season and there will be all kinds of temptations. Jan 4 I go back to the doctor and will tell him my decision to have the surgery. Then hopefully the ball will get rolling. I’m still scared about it and I hope it is the right decision.

I know it is. Obviously trying this on my own is not working. And I want to get out and live my life. To travel and visit new places and sightsee and go to museums. I can’t do that stuff now and sitting at home complaining about another weight gain and watching tv just isn’t my idea of living.

Just wanted to let you know that I have been working on a new web project that I am very excited about. It is an online magazine written by and geared to SSBBWs. I’m currently recruiting writers and editors and have someone doing some artwork for me.

This is all new to me and alot of work, especially since I am webmaster, editor, writer, etc. right now. But I think it has alot of potential!!

Stop by and have a look.. www.ssbbw-magazine.com

Thanks!!

I did so well last week.  But then Saturday night I ordered in, greek food, souvlaki on pita and greek potatos (lots of sodium) and by Monday was 421.5. But rest of weekend and so far this week I’ve been very good (except for a small chocolate santa I had bought as a stocking stuffer). And got up yesterday (Wednesday) and was 424!!!!!!

Today though I am back down to 422 but still. Why do I gain weight when I am only eating 1500 calories a day? And Tuesday I did Christmas shopping so actually got quite a bit of exercise and walking in.

I am pms’ing though so hopefully this is just water gain/bloating from that. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself but I have to tell you it does get hard.

Ok so something this week is working. I’ve gone from 426 lbs last Sunday to 418 lbs today (Saturday).

As I said before I don’t seem to be obsessing about food now and I threw out all the hogwash about having to eat breakfast and such. I am eating what I want, when I want. So I don’t have breakfast, or if I do its a small yogurt (for the protein). For lunch I have a bowl of Special K (and if I have it some slices of cold roast beef or pork). At 4pm I have my tea and I special K bar or nutrigrain bar and then my usual dinner. At 9 I have an apple and glass of milk. And sometimes I’ve had a roast beef sandwich at 9 too.

Oh and on Thursday I went out and did some shopping. For lunch I had a small tin of Pringles chips and in the afternoon I snacked on Quality Street chocolates (probably about 20 of them). And I still lost this week.

I’ll try the same next week too and see what happens. If I get back down to 416 I will be the lightest I have been since July before my trip to Philly Bash.

Really not bad cause November 20 I was 431 lbs. But then again, my period is due next weekend and I’ve been known to gain upto 7 lbs the week before with bloating and such.

But I am feeling good!!!! Yay me!

I know, I haven’t written for a while. No worries, I’ve not given up or anything. I’m still here. It was just one of those weeks.

I am still feeling good about my decision to have the surgery. And this week I started with my EFT exercises but got stuck when trying to figure out what I was feeling. I think I’ve said this before, I don’t really know how I am feeling. My EFT counsellor(?), Hazel, was helpful and said that was because I have been hiding my emotions and feelings for so long with food that it will take a while. I’ve been thinking about it all week and had a good discussion with my mum and sister today.

We got to talking about what being happy actually meant. My sister said she thinks it means that you are comfortable with who you are and can accept yourself.

I’ve not given much thought to food this week either. I stopped eating breakfast just because I wasn’t hungry and had cereal for lunch with some cold roast pork (for protein) and then a normal dinner. And I didn’t feel like snacking much in the evening. So I lost 3 lbs this week.

Then of course, coming back from my parents we were later than usual and before I left I was getting the shakes (it was 5pm and all I’d had all day was a bowl of cereal) so I had 2 cookies and took my sister downtown. I started getting the shakes again and even though I had taken out some spaghetti sauce I didn’t feel like cooking the pasta so I stopped at McDonalds. I bought a Big Mac, 6 piece of mcnuggets and an apple pie. Why do I do this?

Anyway, tomorrow is Monday, beginning of new week and we’ll see how things go.